Thursday, June 28, 2007
meaty goodness revisited
Gaah.
My gut is churning like a hyperactive cement mixer. Been like this for a couple of days... normally by this time I've either launched a fleet of u-boats or melted a new hole in the ozone layer, but for some reason it's not doing anything besides making me squirm uncomfortably.
I reckon it's the bit of red meat I scoffed overt he last week. Normally my flesh eating tendencies revolve around chicken, turkey and fish, but last week I surrendered to the impulse to make some proper, old school burgers, a solar system away from the floppy reprocessed dogvomit served up by the likes of McD's or BK. Proper man-burgers.
The day after it was beef chili for supper following a left over burger for lunch. I was off on Monday and guess what, had a burger for lunch, albeit with kangaroo meat (hooray for the Walkabout).
I reckon my poor entrails are in shock over all this meaty goodness. It'll pass -in more ways than one. I just hope I'm not in a public place when it does.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
har
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
flesh...mmm...hungry..
I've been having fun with the Script Frenzy project... I've scribbling away in my scruffy notebook for a couple of weeks or so and I've clocked up around 30 pages of solid material.
But now, the thing is that my notes are such that I reckon I can expand it into a decent chunk of book. We spent a few hours on Saturday trawling through bookshops in town, and one thing which i noticed is that there aren't any decent zombie apocalypse books on the market. The one I did find is set after the whole rise of the zombies and fall of civilisation.. but the fun part is the beginning of the end, you know? The initial panic, the chaos, the eating of faces and fingers, the flight-or-fight reactions, the gory and inventive ways that Joe Average meets his maker.
So. That's what I'm going to do. Write the story I want to read :) I know it won't be easy and somewhere along the line it's bound to get less fun, but I've got to get it out of my head before it drives me crazy!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Grandad
Friday, June 08, 2007
not so Fat Gecko
.....and circa June '07.*grin*
Hey..
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